In my last post, I talked about how simple jigsaw puzzles became a form of therapy in the first stages of my healing; how they helped me to regain fine motor skills in my affected hand, helped to ground me and refocus - rein in - my runaway thoughts.
Such innocuous things, puzzles. A form of quiet entertainment for some, a boredom buster for others, a rainy day torture for kids at a cottage...who would have thought that they could become a cornerstone in my new reality, not to mention a foundation upon which to build it. Not the actual physical pieces of them, of course, but the idea of them; the metaphor that they have become.
It's hard to explain, but, hell, I'll give it a try:
I've spent a lot of time and effort - since my brain went all supernova on me - trying to retrieve, pull back, contain, recall, and just generally control those parts and thoughts of my brain that have long seemed to be hurtling away from me towards infinite expansion at supersonic speed.
(Caution and note: If you ever explain to a doctor that you feel as though your brain is flying away from you like matter after the Big Bang, he/she may tell you you have a panic disorder and prescribe you benzos...just saying...lol).
Anyway, in order to regain control; in order to feel as though I could focus and be logical and rational again, I had to restructure my entire life...I had to quiet it down, reduce the noise, eliminate unnecessary distractions, SLOW DOWN.
I had to gather up and pull my world in tight around me...in much the same way I often have to recapture and haul thoughts back towards me. I had to give up thinking grandly and globally, and reduce my world to the here and now, to the issues that truly matter, to the things and people who give me peace rather than drama.
Because we all now live in a world that celebrates and promotes global and extensive travel, excellence and extroversion (as opposed to quiet living and introversion), drama, popularity, instafame and attention, however, living small and quietly can leave one feeling rather insignificant, boring, and all around snore worthy.
...right up until you read that one little thing that flips the script for you...
It may have been my search for meaning that first drew me to this particular quote (featured in the blog post cover photo). I know for certain that it was my interest in, my weird attachment to, puzzles that made me feel as though it was written for me to see:
“I like to envision the whole world as a jigsaw puzzle...
If you look at the whole picture, it is overwhelming and terrifying, but if you work on your little part of the jigsaw and know that people all over the world are working on their little bits, that's what will give you hope.” - Jane Goodall
The truth is, when I let go of the all the drama and worry associated with the entirety of the rest of the world; when I vowed to take control of - to care for and pay attention to - no more than my very own wee piece of it (and those people I loved within it), life in general began to make a heck of a lot more sense.
And I, for perhaps the very first time in my life, began to realize how truly significant I am.